You needed to know

So I've repeatedly posted meals that were absolutely wonderful, and should 100% be duplicated. No doubt. And I've received the nicest feedback from y'all (yes, it's happening let's all handle my new found love of the y'all) about the meals sounding pretty decent, and easy! Which is astounding because I can not cook to save my life, and I only cook while boozing.  But here comes the confessional, MTV style.

I've felt like a cheat. A fake. I've hidden my disasters from you. I'm sorry. So, I give you..... Judy's Jackassery 1.0. It's seriously shameful but I try unbelievably hard at everything I do and failing is really about the worst thing I can imagine. But here they are. Epic fails.

Oh. Yes, of course I've had drinks this evening. I've been doing 2 a days this week (Olympic lifting  and endurance training), so it's required. For recovery! The doctor/my busted everything ordered it, so leave me be, this new fitness endeavor is more fun than it really should be. I'm sure I'll update y'all (boom! again!) soon enough on the progress. Yep, back to the failed recipes. 

So. A great friend wanted to see fish meals. And I was like, YEAH SOME FISH! I mean who screws up fish? Pssht. Not me. I bought fancy trout from the nicest place in town. I researched a Paleo fish recipe with all of four, FOUR ingredients.

Top: Isn't it beautiful? My expensive trout for damn near 10 people? It should be.
Bottom Left: Check that out! You may see two glasses but I went American Gladiator and kept my husband from touching the next 3/4 bottle. It was SingaHymnalOnSunday amazing. You should buy it.
Bottom Right:This garbage. I swear it was like Gordon's Fisherman yellow raincoated ass invaded my kitchen.

I don't eat frozen fish sticks. That's for the children, homeless shelters, and 40-year-old virgins everywhere. It was awful. Paleo awful. I made my husband eat this mess with me. He looked horrified and angered. We made slanderous commentary to the fish about it's family for tasting so badly. That wine? We needed another bottle that night to survive this disaster. It was a bad evening. Worst, we ate this for lunch the next day, too. By we I mean that man I married, he's no quitter. 

But by the that very next night I thought a Paleo, high protein dessert required invention.

Redemption!

And I had a trusty, inspirational Pinterest post to boot:

First. Look at this thing.

You'd eat it. You'd eat 30. I would too.

But not if I make them. Because I went all McGyver in the kitchen and switched critical ingredients. Yeah, they make exact recipes for a reason it turns out. I'm chronically certain I can do better on my own. No. I can not.

I decided to sub Progenex for 1/2 the vanilla protein powder mix... and to make matters worse swap out coconut flour for coconut shreds. Really. It looked like chunky pink, Elmer's glue paste. I'd bet you good money it would keep your wallpaper down, forever.
So not the picture from Pinterest.

Due to the general cost of protein powder anything, it's expensive motivated my need to save it. So for sure baking would dry it out. Duh. I have a science degree or two, I know what I'm doing in here. For real, you're with me, I feel it. After 5 minutes at 375 degrees and what appeared to be tiny browned edges and some puffing at the center I took the mini muffin pan out. And these little things truly smelled PHENOMENAL. So I was rather optimistic about the results.
Review the baked pic... looks notsobad!
NO.
NONONONONONONONONONO.
Add more No to that No.

Tiny. Dense. Chinese throwing stars after 10 minutes cooled. I soaked one for 2 minutes in almond milk, it defied baked goods reasoning and refused to absorb liquid. What did we do? My husband, the no quitter extraordinaire ate all 7 remaining Chinese throwing stars for 2 days. He describes them as, "terrible, strawberry-ish bricks". For the record he talks notsomuch and most of the actual description was behavioral in his persistent head shake while eating and coughing. COUGHING.
You'd think I was slowly trying to poison this man but surprisingly no. He keeps on truckin' and let's be serious our insurance policy does not cover this kind of mortal end. I checked (I didn't check, but I mean I'm checking now because I'm a black widow with a frying/baking pan for sure).

At this point, I've ruined enough expensive ingredients for 2 weeks. Domino's pizza is cheaper and way tastier than the varied horrors listed above. They deliver even. So ideas/suggestions/products I should give a whirl are always welcome. I can not consume another culinary disaster in the near term.

Ideas... Post here or email jisforjudy@icloud.com!