You need a drink.

I can't lie to you, today started out like shit. I couldn't rectify the nasty of the day, so although I made an agreement with myself to not drink this week, I'm drinking. At 3:52 PM.  Screw it. I did promise that if I were to post about alcohol, I'd have had some alcohol, right? I'm not getting fancy today. This is the old standby:

Tito's vodka, and club soda. I fruited it with 4 cherries.

I like what I like. And the older I get the more I don't just like what I like.... I'll cut you if it's not available at the bar. I'll have an emotional breakdown if the place has only craptastic liquors, bartenders who don't know how to tip that heavy pour, or sweet sweet jeebus, JUST BEER. JUST DISGUSTING BEER. I'll kick you in the back if you take me there.

hahahaha. 

I'm not kidding.

So the point of that is my old dear friend, the flask. Everyone needs one.

Or seventeen, like us. I proudly display them, much like a redneck would his guns. Or his flask collection, potato potatoe, folks. You don't know when you'll be caught off guard by a situation like the one listed above.

So it's with great excitement that I have compiled for your viewing and purchasing pleasure the many many ways you can smuggle your liquor of choice into a baseball game (I did that last Thursday), the theater (that happened on Saturday), or a poorly stocked bar.

Traditional flask options are above, and people make all kinds, it's amazing. I'm going to get into my personal favorites based on three factors ranked 1-10. Practically, Size, and SHEER WTF.

Number 1

The Wine Rack

No, not a big-breasted blood transfusion. BETTER.

Practicality: 7

Size: 7

Sheer WTF: 9

This thing holds up to 750ml (24 oz/bottle O wine) and while you might not have shown love for your flat chested lady friends before.... now you'll buy her friggin' dinner won't you? You should, I'm one of them, thank me properly you cheap bastard I gave you free alcohol all night. Anywho...  she'll look great, get in a back workout propping that shit up, and supply the needy with the drinky. 

*Caveat: full chested gals,  you can't use this. You put this get up on and you've gone full Dolly Parton, and you look like a crazy hooker. No one's fooled, sorry. Also, bring a back up bra gals, once your ladies have gone back to sub zero it's going to be a strange saggy bra me thinks. Boobie Alcohol Dispenser

Number 2

Sneaky Shorts Flexible Flask

Is that alcohol in  your pants, or are you a fatty with strange saddlebags?

Practicality: 6

Size: 7

Sheer WTF: 10

Alright, I'm not totally sold on this one. I mean, I do like the volume, but it's not one a girl would wear because we tend to wear more fitting clothing and don't like looking all unporportional. Inproportinal. Sound it out, you know what I mean. This is a man's apparatus in my humble opinion. Then two important things come up. He's warmed that liquor- with his thighs/junk. It's going to be hot, ladies and not in a sexy way. Moreover, hopefully it's someone you know well wearing this and it's cool with you? Because asking a random or your brother, "can I have what's in your pants?" will be horrendously awkward. Or get you a date, I dunno depends on the amount you consume and also if you're from the south. Or both.

But hey, I'm not here to judge. I'm thirsty too. Sassy Saddlebag Shorts

Number 3

The Reef Dram Sandal

I mean you have to wear shoes! Why not wear some that fucking DO something?

Practicality: 9.5

Size: F YOU THIS IS NOT COOL.  -2

Sheer WTF: 10 (Fine, fine, genius idea)

I'm ok. Sorry about the size thing, but it only carries 1.5oz per shoe. THREE ounces total? I better get to a bar in an hour, let's kick into a jog friends this is BSSSSSSSS. Seriously, I'm ok. The practicality and genius make this absolutely fantastic for everyday (I said that) and lightweight drinker use. It's nice for that extra cocktail you simply didn't want to pay for and I can't imagine getting caught for wearing a friggin' flip flop. Empty out your flip flop? Let me look into your flip flop? No way. You're going to clear everything except for TSA in this. Because TSA will cavity search if they think you're toothbrush is too sharp so for reals, don't try anything at the airport.

Oh, last con, it always seems to be out of stock due to popularity. Keep googling it, it's a basic necessity like shelter.  Reef Dram Sandal

Last but not least,
Number 4:

Blue Stadium Seat

Look upon it with lust. 

Your ass will not care about that seatback after you drink up. You can't feel it now, can you?

Practicality: 8. Sporting events, beware! Especially your kids crappy <insert sport here> game.

Size: EVENTY MILLLION!

Sheer WTF: 1 Boooorrrrring. It's fairly plain, right?

It's the motherload. Why am I so happy with the Size? ;) haha. I think you know why. It's ENORMOUS. Coming in at a 1/2 GALLON of alcohol. Uh huh. Let it sink in- the alcohol I mean. That's just ridiculous......ly awesome. You can share with your friends, your neighbors, I don't care. Regardless, you've got no reason to bitch and moan because this thing will take away your blues. But it's blue, so I don't know. I'm really confused, and a little drunk now. Blue Stadium Seat 

Alright fellow alcohol enthusiasts. I need more drinks, and a lot of food. If you have any other flask suggestions, ideas, questions concerns go for it. Just personal opinion here, but I'm open to hear what you've got!

-Judy