FACEOFF, Part 2 (Wine Openers... and whatever it opened)

Wait, what? A wine opener?  Oh, you recall something about kale chips for Part 2? What's going on?

Look. It was kale. Friggin' kale. I don't know what I was thinking. I love the bejebus out of it... but writing about kale? I'd rather watch paint dry than read that garbage, and so would you. Shit, you're my readers you don't come here to be bored, and neither do I.
So.
What happened?
I had planned to not get my drink on tonight,  but wine opened. Clearly... you're not shocked. I'd suffered a two a day workout that exhausted and frustrated me. And my inner WINO broke through.

But before she did, I decided to it would be super cool to highlight for you my favorite pocket pet/anti crime device/emergency wine opener:

This teeeeeeeeny tiny weapon against sobriety and insatiable thirst 

You really never know when you'll be somewhere with a bottle of wine/spy strangers trying to bear claw the cork out of their wine and suddenly become a hero. It happens at many music festivals. Help a brother out. And it travels easily! Via car though, please do not try to get this device on a plane. TSA does not think your a Sommelier, they think you're a terrorist with a drinking problem. To avoid some invasive probing you really better leave it at home. Other than that, I know I keep mine in my purse almost all the time. Hey now, look at this link below... it comes in a million colors as well!  I truly don't know where this little dude came from that I own but I found it in our home one day and I bet one my friends left it here. You're loss my gain, too bad so sad, buy another one here: Tiny Wine Opener.  And apparently you need to buy 250 (uh oh), but I think you're still winning in the end somehow. It's possible these little fellas are like shitty sunglasses and when you loose/break one you should have a backup, or 249.

The absolute selling point? I needed to open some wine in my home, where we certainly have more wine openers than any two people should have. Just in case. And I'm sure when you see the options below you'll understand why I thought, "This wine will no doubt taste better, and make me feel like the lady I am (reeking of my own stank after 2 workouts, and in a Simpson's tee) if I choose the fancier option:

It's like I've joined the society pages with the gentleman on the right
.... as opposed to the bag lady special on the left. 

So I choose the beauty on the right.
But you know, every time I open wine with this classy ass mf'er I screw it up.

Every. 

Freakin. 

Time.

 It's embarrassing. How old am I? Too old to shove the cork in so far it's irretrievable. 

Or is it.....

Bah Batta Bahhhhhhhhh! The bag lady special to the rescue.
Look at that cork.WTH.

I should be ashamed, the wino special saved the day. And I completely ignored it as the initial choice. I didn't have to swallow my pride, aggressively jam a spoon handle down the thing and let the cork marinate in the bottle. Or so I hear people do. I wouldn't know this is a firsssssssst.

Oh Yes! You probably want to know what this wine is! Sure you do, wine is DELICIOUS... try it!

Hecula Monastrell 2009.
 It's red.
And I'm googling it now.

Hecula Monastrell 

Yeah, that description weirded me out too. Few words there in the last couple sentences made me feel like I was on Craigslist looking for an escort and not picking out a wine. Too much too much, sorry. Personally, I found this wine to be more for peeps who love a hearty, serious red to go with their steak or lamb. It runs along the lines of a Cab or Merlot for me and I'm just not that girl. God knows I tried I'm halfway through this bottle now. While I oddly enjoy it a litttttttle more after this extended taste test... it's still not my bag, baby. But hey, you might love it and I'm all about spreading the good word!

As tomorrow is my bday, you can expect this gal to have a few drinks and who knows, maybe I'll blog it out after!

Wine... it's what's for dinner!
-Judy