....because, it's just a hypothetical. What organization I'm talking about.
Foreword: It's important to state I have an absolutely rich, wonderful life. Complete with the most diverse, unique, intelligent people I could have ever have hoped would be assemble ANYWHERE near me. I'm beyond words grateful for the comforts of a nice home wherever we may end up, and the lack of financial stress than often comes with a military lifestyle. Most importantly, my husband is aware I'm batshit crazy, he loves me FOR it (not in spite of,which also shocks me), and relishes the excitement I bring to his life. Or so he says, I think he's worried I'll cut him in his sleep. I probably won't, though.
That all said, the one ONE thing that he continues to ask me to do, (and I contribute the 70% divorce rate in the military to) and that is to attend these never ending god forsaken mandatory fun events. I wish I had a blood pressure cuff on right now, I'm in hypertensive crisis. For real, I have such bloodcurdling hatred for them. These sneaky little shits come in many forms, with many names. The brilliant military minds brewing them up suspect they're sly and that spouses/girlfriends are mentally defunct and think, OOOOOOhhhhhh another get together? Certainly this one won't be like the others. Yes it will. Ohhhhh my god it will be WORSE.
They.Only.Get.Worse.
Below, just a few ways the Pied Piper attempts to gather us lemmings and lure us off a cliff.
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| Lemmings. Because they're cuter than rats and still a migratory rodent. The blog continues.... |
The ever common, Wives Coffee. Yes. Wives. They technically call it a Spouses Coffee now. Ask if I've ever seen anyone that could pooooosssssibly be male at one of these. Uh huh, you got it. But I've never done a pat down. Mental note, pat down questionable females at next coffee.
Spouses that are of the male gender are seemingly not required to partake in the suffering. Under this broad heading of Wives Coffee, more awful events are spontaneously generated in volume. The "Bridal Shower/Girls Night Out/Baby Shower/Bachelorette/Movie Night/ANYHOLIDAYEVENTYOUEVERIMAGINED"... with some of your not closest friends. In fact, chances are you don't know these people at all. Even better!
Other common ways to solicit unwanted participation: The Ice Cream Social, Barbecue/Picnic in the Park Day/Family Day.... I am sure I am missing a hundred more.
The more disturbing part for me is that I require just two coping mechanisms for this hullabaloo. And I rarely see either. 1) Healthful, potentially tasty food options and 2) A BAR. WITH DECENT ALCOHOL. Don't put Popov out there and pretend you shot sunshine out of your ass for allowing vodka. That belongs in wounds it's so shitty. Same for Smirnoff. If I fall and scrape my knee I'll ask for that garbage. Jesus. It's not so much to ask, really. Of recent events, I feel like I have to smuggle in my social survival kit (flask) because the PC military seems to frown upon alcohol lately. I know, it's ludicrous. I'd like to know that if I'm forced to be Tammy's best friend for a fucking hour I have assistance in the form of liquid tolerance. That way, I'm less likely to pop Tammy in the face when she discusses home goods, amazing prices at WalMart, or capri pants with me. I still will want to pop her in the face, though. Because capri pants are for no one. NOONEEVER. I know you have some, go throw them out now they make you look awful. No one will tell you, but I will.... because I care.
Point being, military social events aren't for everyone, so for our husbands/wives who actively chose this career/lifestyle we love you. SO MUCH. We wholeheartedly support the cause.We married you, and we signed up to be a part of as much as we can handle of this... but for the love of all things HOLY. HOLY!!!
NO MORE FORCED FUN.
I'M SERIOUS AS A HEART ATTACK.
I'm truly happy for anyone (military and/or their spouses) who do enjoy any of these events, regularly engage in discussion about the military lifestyle, and take an active interest in their spouses' careers. They are better people than I am, and I admire that. That social network is fabulous for some. But after many years married, and 5 total (international and domestic) moves, I continue to march to the beat of my own drum. I'm excessively happy making friends who live their lives outside of the military, and occasionally detecting another military spouse who is as unruly as I am. They're absolute gems, and just like any jewel are such a rare find!
Lots of love for those that really get this!
- Your overwhelmed, socially inept Judy
4 comments:
Right? Mandatory Fun gets to absolutely everyone at some point! I just experience it mostly in this context. Since we've had an onslaught of them the past few months when an event reared it's ugly head yesterday I sort of went off the reservation. haha. Sad you share my pain but grateful all at once!
I 100% agree with you on this one. I cannot stand mandatory fun which is why if I am running a squadron social event (and as the squadron OIC of fun this happens often) I will not make it mandatory. My goal is to make each event so fun that those that miss out will go to the next one. Now only if I can convince the rest of the AF to see it my way....
Byrce, this makes you a good man. And a better officer. Everyone thanks you for this! I wish you well in changing the status quo. Soon I'm required to hit the Air Force Ball. Doh!
I like the AF ball, but that because I typically sit near the bar....
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